Kamek, growing tired of counting his numerous abrasions and wounds, destroyed the castle’s computer, hopefully eradicating any chances of Bowser ordering anything else. “There that should do it.”
Bowser came bursting through the door, tears streaming down his face. “No! My beloved computer. It was my passage to fame.”
“Sire, it was for the best.”
“You thought I wouldn’t see through your devious plan. Well, the goomba told me everything.”
Kamek secretly wondered why that trouble-making goomba was still employed (note: reading other Mario Fan short stories might clear a few of your demented questions up). Kamek walked over and patted Bowser on the head, carefully dodging any spikes. “Now, Sire, you mustn’t cry. Just look at the way your troops become misguided.
Bowser looked behind him, seeing two koopas dancing wildly on a chandelier and two goombas seeing how far they could throw themselves out the window. “So what? They always do that.”
Kamek shook his head. “No. Look over there.”
Bowser followed Kamek’s finger to a goomba sowing chain-link balls on his pink dress. “What in the fungi? Stop that.”
“Sir, I thought you liked…”
“Thought. You thought.” Bowser threw the confused goomba out of a window. “What misguided lunacy have I been going through to cause this horrendous damage to be done to my fancy laced dress. The flowers have been removed. We must buy more.”
“Sire, we are…short on funds…thanks to you buying tickets for Peach’s last two banquets.”
Bowser smiled. “Yes, well. We can buy and new computer and order lessons on money making.”
Kamek threw his hands in the air and danced madly. “For all that is good and just, no!”
Bowser calmed him down. “Ok, ok. We’ll just open up a car shop.”
“A car shop? I’m the only one that has any cars, and my priceless collection of hot rods is…off…limits….Sire, are you ok?”
“You know what I’m thinking. Troops, fetch Kamek’s hot rod collection, and if he resists, give him thirty lashes with a licorice stick. Bwahahahahaha!!!”
Kamek squealed, “No, Sire. I hate licorice sticks!”
Peach was mad. She was throwing a tantrum. “I’m mad! The three-hundred banquets I’ve thrown have been nice, but I want more. How can I release all of this anger in one chaotic blast.”
Toad spoke in his annoying voice. “If I may suggest…”
Peach smiled. “I know.” She set him in front of a window and smashed him out of it with her metal pan. “Ahhh. The resounding clunk makes me feel much better.” She listened until the panicked screams stopped. “If only we could bottle it. But, alas, I still need more.”
Mario walked in. “Look. They are opening up a new automobile shop outside of Koopa’s rundown castle. It reads: Come on down to Bowser’s Balistic Bargain Stand where the prices on hot rods are hot, hot, hot. It also warns that slight burning may occur.”
“Driving. Sounds fun.”
Toad brought his broken body up the steps to the throne room. “Princess, that requires lessons.”
She smashed him out of another window. “Not if you have a pan.”
Mario smiled. “Ahhh. The resounding clunk and those few simple words: “Not if you have a pan.” You are so smart.”
While Kamek was being tortured with licorice sticks, Bowser anxiously looked down the road as Mario and Peach appeared. “Excellent. Our first customers. Remember, be spiffy, clean, and polite.” The fact that he was talking to a gasoline can didn’t help much.
When Mario and Peach arrived, they were greeted by Bowser, who had his hand in a puppet. He was speaking in a Toad voice. Mario held Peach’s hand from reaching her pan. “Hello there. Would you like to buy a car.”
Mario nodded and spoke slowly. “Yes, please. We will take the red one.”
That evening: “Now, Peach. You must first wear your safety belt. Ok, now start the car and gently push the gas peddle. Let’s hope your lessons have…HELPED!!!”
Mario was flung back against his seat as Peach slammed down the peddle. “This is so invigorating! Ahahahahahah! Burn rubber, burn!”
“Peach, the town is up ahead. Be careful of pedestrians.”
“Pedestrians! They should watch out. I’m gonna blast right through.”
Peach blew through the town, falling little mushrooms left and right. “Ahahahaha. Can’t you feel the wind.” It was to late though. The sheer speed of the car broke Mario’s safety belt and sent him crashing into a building.
Toad was enjoying licorice sticks when he noticed Peach coming his way. “Mother of Pearl…!” Peach bounced in her seat as the car jumped in the air. She heard the licorice slap against the hood of the car.
Back at Bowser’s castle, Kamek presented Bowser with a new computer. “There you go.”
“Good. I’ve now discovered eBay.”
Kamek held back a scream. At that time, Peach pulled up in her dented car. “Thanks, but I found a new love: the resounding smack of a licorice stick.”
Kamek screamed and no one knew why.
